Unless you’ve actually been through it yourself, or are very close to someone who has been through it, you don’t understand the dirty little secrets of family courts.

You don’t understand the blatant and flagrant disdain for the law by judges and lawyers. You don’t understand the bullying of participants that goes on. You don’t understand the conscious efforts to undermine the traditional family/marriage culture.

Why? Because so many of us still believe the courts are a place where justice is delivered, protected, respected … unless you’ve witnessed the process in motion.

In Missouri, two Republican state reps are pushing legislation that would completely throw women into financial purgatory after failed marriages.

Unfortunately, this trend is a national movement. Here’s a story from an Illinois woman who was not only thrown under the bus by the family courts, but also by her church.

Sue (not her real name) was the wife of a mining engineer and United Methodist minister for more than twenty-five years when she discovered he was having an affair with a married woman from another congregation.

She suffered from debilitating depression, which for years severely inhibited her ability to hold steady employment, and she devoted her life to taking care of  him and their son.

As her divorce progressed she soon realized the system was working to send her out into the world, post divorce, with little more than the clothes on her back. And that included losing custody of her son, forfeiting her other personal assets and all the marital assets.  Yet, at the same time, she was recovering from major depression, after years of seeking medications and treatment before finding something that worked. During that time she was employed in temporary jobs, however, not the medical profession for which she was trained, where she had previously been successfully employed.

Sue went to her church hierarchy (as the Bible instructs when there is unrepentant sin) to seek support in her time of need, only to be turned away as they chose to support her ex, who held his position in the church until he retired, He still retains his ministerial orders even thought he lied repeatedly to her and his congregation, and defamed her to church members and the community.  It was a scandal.

When they married, Sue’s ex was a mining engineer. Sue worked most of their marriage, only taking time off to raise her son.  After 13 years of marriage, her ex decided he wanted to leave his previous career and become a minister. She packed the household belongings, moved and returned to work to support him in his career change, while he attended seminary.  For all the dutiful care and love she gave him and their son over 25 years of marriage, sacrificing her health and career advancement, she only received one year of maintenance at $800 per month and short term child support of her son who was 17 at the time of divorce and chose to live with her.  She had to petition the court for marital and personal assets while being left a substantial share of the marital debt. 

She lost her permanent home and has struggled since then to maintain stability.  She had to return to her medical career as a laboratory technologist, giving up her plans and the completion of her education to become a therapist and licensed professional counselor.

When women are dragged through family courts, their value is only assessed in terms of the financial contributions they bring to the marriage.

His lawyer tried to argue that since Sue did have some history of being able to work, and that even though she was disabled due to depression, she could work. However, she was not fit in their eyes for her to have custody of her son.

Now 18 years since her divorce, Sue has spent all of her share of the retirement assets that were divided during the settlement on living expenses. She was not able to fund a retirement or a savings plan. She is nearing retirement age and is looking at working well into her 80’s.

Her ex husband is still a Methodist minister (although retired from active ministry) and has continued his life, post divorce, retaining his half of the retirement funds from his work as a mining engineer and all of his ministerial pension. He opted out of social security. In addition, his mistress, now his wife, supports him as an executive at the local hospital.

The women’s movement of the 60s and 70s may have initiated this movement, but the culture at large has willingly absorbed the mindset that women are disposable and only bring a value to a marriage partnership if they earn a salary. Courts have reinforced this culture changing mindset by ignoring marriage statutes, from state to state.

Are any of us really surprised that traditional marriage is failing in the United States?

Yes, there are men, too, who are abused by family courts, but in more cases, it’s women who bear the brunt of the legal abuse.

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